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On Grieving: |
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Funerals Help People to Remember and Grieve |
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Friends Grieving at Work |
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Children Grieve Too |
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Grollman on Children |
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Opinion from Sheenan Funeral Home |
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| Funerals Help People to Remember and Grieve |
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| Because we are so removed from death, we don’t often
acknowledge that it is a natural part of life and should be observed with ceremony just as
we observe life’s other occasions such as births, graduations, weddings and
anniversaries. That’s why Sheenan Funeral Home believes a meaningful funeral to be so
important. Ritual is comforting, connects us to others, offers a feeling of safety and
aids in the grieving process. |
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| Nationally recognized grief educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt
agrees: "The funeral ritual is a public and symbolic means of expressing our beliefs,
thoughts and feelings about the death of someone loved." Says Wolfelt, director of
the Colorado based Center for Loss and Life Transition. |
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| "Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral
ceremony helps us: Acknowledge the reality of death --Gives testimony to the life of the
deceased -- Encourages the expression of grief -- Provides support to mourners -- Allows
for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and -- Offers continuity and
hope for the living. |
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| "Funeral services help us adapt to change and they
help us heal," Wolfelt says. And, funeral directors play a pivotal role as the
"gate keepers" of ceremony. They are the specialists in facilitating ritual and
ceremony, which makes the hard work of mourning easier. "We’re faced with people
not understanding funeral ritual," he says. "If we don’t teach it, we are
destined to be a soulless culture. Because if you don’t do death, you don’t do
life." Inexperience with death, transient life styles, a fast paced society and a
lack of understanding ceremony’s healing qualities prompt people to question the
value of funerals. |
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| Viewing the body, is one of the most misunderstood rituals.
It allows people to see and acknowledge death. Without seeing, it is sometimes hard to
fathom the reality emotionally. Viewing is especially beneficial after a sudden or
unexpected death. "Many families are beginning to recognize the value of viewing in
connection with cremation," according to Tom Sheenan. At Sheenan Funeral Home, the
only differences between a burial, entombment and cremation options are in the choice of
final disposition. There is no reason why those who desire cremation should receive any
less consideration when it comes to creating a meaningful funeral. |
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Personalizing the funeral to reflect the life of the
deceased also comforts mourners. It makes the ceremony unique and sometimes requires
participation which can positively stimulate emotion. The "Sensitive Service"
the Sheenan Funeral Home practices begins when they ask to learn about the person they
will be caring for. Often in the initial conference, something may be said about a persons
life, hobby or affiliations may spark an idea by one of the staff on a way to make a
funeral special. Recently their casket supplier was asked to change the color of flowers
on a standard inset panel in addition to adding a few butterflies. Families are encouraged
to place photographs and memorabilia around the funeral home to add to the recognition to
that special life that was once lived. Visitation hours can also be tailored to fit a
families needs. |
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| Sheenan Funeral Home believes that grief work starts at the
funeral. Without a meaningful funeral grief can remain internalized. It is the job of
funeral professionals to help survivors celebrate the life that has been lived and also
focus on themselves. At Sheenan Funeral Home, the door does not close once the ceremony is
complete. They also continue to be available for their families long after ceremony is
over. |
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| Friends Grieving at Work |
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| In a newsletter for professional caregivers Dr. Alan
Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief educator and director of the Colorado based Center
for Loss and Life Transition wrote an article titled "Helping a Grieving Friend in
the Workplace." This article may benefit all who will know someone in their workplace
who has experienced the death of someone loved. Below is a summation of the full article
we read. |
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| "You have an important role" Wolfelt starts --
your support can make a real difference by having a supportive presence and recognizing
the loss. Even if you do not know the person who has died, if that person was a member of
your co-workers immediate family, it is appropriate to attend the funeral. Your presence
and acknowledgment of the loss will be valued. |
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| Making contact and reaching out is important. One should
not wait for a co-worker to reach out to them. Cliché’s and other comments should be
avoided. Wolfelt offers that it is appropriate to simply say: "I’m sorry that
your mother died and I want you to know that I’m thinking of you." Also, do not
be judgmental about how the co-worker seems to be handling the loss. Wolfelt states:
"Some people return to work after the death of someone and act as if everything is
OK. Sometimes the routine of the workplace provides comfort and support. However, do stay
available should she want to share her grief at a later time." |
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| In closing, he leaves us with this: "No two people
respond to death in exactly the same way. Be patient. Don’t force a specific
timetable for healing. Be gentle, sensitive and compassionate in all of your helping
efforts." |
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| For more information and more articles; visit The Center
for Loss and Life Transition’s web-site at www.centerforloss.com
or at 3735 Broken Bow Rd., Fort Collins, CO 80526 Tel |
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| Children Grieve Too |
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| By: Dr. Kathleen A. Detlet |
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| In May of 2000, the Sheenan Funeral Home sponsored a
workshop for people who work with and care about children. Attending were teachers,
clergy, hospice workers and administrators. On two consecutive Wednesdays they learned
about children and how they deal with loss. The workshop was very successful and everyone
left with a much better understanding on how children grieve and how to help them deal
with a loss. Dr. Detlet wrote this piece for this newsletter at our request: |
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| "If a child lives with criticism, he learns to
condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with
encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to
appreciate. . . " Perhaps you have read these words before from the often quoted,
"Children Learn." I would like to add, if a child lives with healthy grieving,
he would learn to grieve. |
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| Gone are the days when "children should be seen and
not heard." Whoever said that anyway? They certainly were not people who knew how to
care for children and how to make them feel included and affirmed. |
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| When it comes to the loss of a loved one, children grieve
too. We need to be aware of their needs and sensitive to the fact that they will grieve,
and in fact, need to grieve. Your child will take clues from you. You don’t have to
be afraid of crying in front of them. How else will they know that missing someone may
cause us to cry and that crying is a normal response? |
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| Avoid clichés with anyone grieving, but especially with
children. Don’t say: "Be strong, don’t cry." That implies that crying
is a sign of weakness and that is not true. Crying is a normal response to grieving. It is
a sad time, and the child needs to know that it is okay to feel sad. Try talking to your
child and encourage the child to talk about the deceased if the child wants to. Your
behavior should model for the child that it is okay to talk about the deceased, and
crying, or not crying, may be your response. |
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| Even if your child is too young to discuss the loss, you
can still help the child to share his or her emotions with you. Hug your child so the
child feels comforted by you during this time of sadness. Little ones can be encouraged to
express their love and grief by drawing a picture of the deceased or of a happy occasion
shared with the deceased. |
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| It is a good idea to take children to the wake or funeral,
but only if they want to be there. Never force a child to attend a wake. However, the wake
and funeral provide an opportunity to be together as a family and to express feelings and
family stories. The children can be included as long as they receive a careful explanation
as to what they can expect. By not being included, their imagination can be more upsetting
than reality. |
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| Remind the child that the relationship with the deceased
has not ended, but changed. Keep pictures and other reminders of the deceased and
encourage the child to remember a special quality that the loved one possessed. Grieving
is a process. It will take time and move through different stages for children just as it
does for adults. Be honest with your children, and you will find that they appreciate your
talking with them in the family process of grieving. |
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| Dr Detlet has over 15 years of practice in bereavement
work training facilitators and hospice volunteers, coordinating bereavement programs,
offering grief & stress workshops as well as speaking on grief issues. She has
received a BA, from Caldwell College, MALS from Wesleyan University, MA in Counseling from
Seton Hall University, and a Doctor of Ministry from Drew University. |
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| Grollman on children |
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| Dr. Earl A. Grollman has written a number of books about
death and bereavement, and is considered a pioneer in crisis intervention. In his book
"Explaining death to children" he explains: "The funeral is an important
occasion in the life of the family. A child should have the same right as any other member
of the family to attend the funeral and to offer his or her last respects, and to express
love and devotion. Not only is it correct to permit a child to attend a funeral, but from
approximately the age of seven, a child should be encouraged to attend." |
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| Following, is a list of what not to say and what to say,
from Dr Earl Grollman: |
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| What not to say: |
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Make believe stories or fairy tales |
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Something you don’t believe yourself |
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"Mother has gone on a long journey" |
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"God took daddy away because he wants and loves the good in
heaven" |
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"Daddy is now in heaven" |
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"Grandma died because she was sick" |
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"To die is to sleep" |
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| What to say: |
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Share your own religious convictions |
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Speak in concrete terms rather than philosophical ones |
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Grant permission to cry, express feelings |
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| The opinion of Sheenan Funeral Home regarding the
inclusion of children at visiting and services |
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| We at Sheenan Funeral Home believe that children should
be encouraged – but not forced – to attend funerals. Children should be
supervised and limits be put on their behavior so they may be considerate of others. Based
on a child’s maturity and attention span it may be best to limit the amount of time
that child attends a visitation. If possible, one could arrange for a neighbor or friend
to take children home early so their parents can remain at the viewing or services until
they wish to leave. |
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| Pamphlets and books are available for parents to help
them better deal with better communicating with their children. |
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